Immi and Mikie were at the door.
They run a security outfit called The Usual Slutspects. You may remember that Gem and I contracted them to help us out in the aftermath of our loft being trashed and burglarized on New Year's Eve. Though the perps made a mess of our home, they only stole one thing: a clean print of Pound Cake, the latest feature-length film from XzillaRation. Maybe because I always have backups I sort of forgot about the theft. Or maybe it's more like I tend to blot out bad news when it's staring me in the face.
Whatever the case, I wasn't expecting a visit from these two.
"You'd better have a seat, Paul," Mikie said.
"How come?" I asked with a nervous laugh, sensing something dire was up due to the serious looks on their faces. "Is there a blowjob in my future?"
"The only thing about to blow," Immi replied, "is a gasket. By you, I'm afraid." She called to Gem, who toweled off as she came in. Not even the sight of her tilting her head to get the water out of her ear could make me smile. I just knew something bad was about to be revealed.
"We made some progress on the Pound Cake investigation," Mikie said. "The trail was never warm to begin with, but we managed to get a whiff of a credible scent." With this she reached into her bag and pulled out a DVD case, which she handed to me. "Have a look at this."
I turned it over and examined it. "What am I looking at?" I asked.
"You tell us," Immi said.
"Gaudy-font headlines. Half-ass copy that betrays a middling awareness of the English language. Mixed metaphors. A model showing plenty of skin. What we have here," I said, flipping it to Gem, "is a cheap, streetcorner, bootleg porn DVD." I turned back to the pair of gorgeous gumshoes. "I have to say, I'm insulted! You two went porn shopping and didn't come to me first? Don't support these losers!"
"Dick Drunk!" Gem laughed, reading the title. "Who comes up with this stuff?"
"The guys who ripped you off," Mikie deadpanned. "That's who."
It took a few seconds for the realization to sink in. "No!" I moaned. "No!"
"I'm afraid so," Mikie said, "especially since I'm in Pound Cake. But if you hit the bodegas downtown, you're gonna see this DVD all over the place. Every corner, every seedy shop."
"Shit!"
"They're going for $3.50 apiece," Immi mumbled.
"The cover art was drawn up for a film that never got made, or if it did, it never got distributed," Mike continued. "So, some sleezeball was sitting on the empty cases, and along come the guys who pulled the job here."
"It's a match made in hell," Immi said. "Waste not, want not. Now they can get rid of the cases AND your movie."
"Call my fucking attorney!" I gasped, slumping in the chair like a spent pecker.
"Immi, Mikie, thanks. But if there's nothing else, I think maybe you ought to leave now," Gem said, knowingly. I had lost the ability to think, let alone speak. Nodding dumbly, mouth agape, I watched as our friends left, promising as they went to stay on the case. Gem obligingly stuck her thumb in my mouth, and I reflexively suckled. "There there," she said, patting my ass. "I'll get the blender out, baby. Two scoops or three?"
I answered by holding up three fingers, chocolate milkshakes being the second-most most effective weapon in the fight against debilitating stress that I know of. Sex is the first, of course, but this was the rare moment in my life when that avenue just didn't seem right.
That night I was unable to sleep. I watched this travesty, (it pains me to even type it) Dick Drunk, twice. The first was an assault on my emotions. During the second viewing, I furiously took notes. Herewith is a summary of the butchery:
- The overall length was increased by an astonishing 154 minutes. That's over two and a half hours! This, despite the fact that they took the scalpel to each and every non-hardcore scene.
- Hardcore sections were actually lengthened; segments were spliced to repeat! Examples of the stupidity:
- A ridiculous sixteen-minute stretch showing nothing but a cock going in and out of Gem's ass the entire time! (In the original this close-up shot lasts fifty-seconds.) I lost count of how many identical "Ahhhhhhs!" were overdubbed.
- Derry Auer delivers a fourteen-minute blowjob, wherein we are treated to the sound of Rush Bennett saying, "Yeah, suck it, bitch!" eighty-nine (seriously) times.
- Fox Schenkel works me up, with a riding crop and her boots, to a cumshot that endures for literally six minutes. I'd need to get my ass to the hospital or the offices of the nearest fertility clinic if this was possible, but I suppose some dumb ass will accept it as real.
- What was scripted and shot as a nine-minute quickie featuring Mikie gets so jumbled and fucked up via splicing that after twenty-one minutes we hear her snarling, "Keep it out of my hair, mister!" The main problem I have with this is that because of the apelike editing and insistence on cutting everything but the fucking, we no longer see an important scene where she is exchanging flirtatious banter with a stylist while getting her hair done. I wrote that line for a reason, you morons!
- A soundtrack that I labored over long and hard was completely wiped out, replaced with what can only be described as Martian surf music. You heard it here: a soundtrack makes a movie! This new soundtrack only makes me cringe.
- A "Featured Presentation" loop and a "Please keep the theater clean" segment were bolted on to the beginning of the film. (Editor's note to thieves: Is this really necessary for a DVD that you watch at home, you fucking morons?!)
- Yes, the title really was changed to Dick Drunk. They also changed the XzillaRation and Kawishiwi logos!
For the sake of this post, I am presenting the title sequence of the real film (watch this first):
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